Ok so i'm about to vent about my secret crush and the latest development, it's not a good one!
We just found out that my secret crush has been put forward for a 5 month contract to go on site so I probably wont see him if he gets it and it looks like he will. What's worse is I had to write his CV to put him forward for the job. If he gets it he will be gone in 2 weeks and the contract would probably extend past the 5 months so I may not get to see him anymore. Its a bit strange as I really want to tell him how I feel and I can't, we had a strange thing earlier on where we were talking about him going. I said it was sad we were loosing our 3rd musketeer.
When I got back from my trip to Nashville I was telling everyone about the trip during a power cut and he came down the stairs and asked me about it. I said it was ok. He said just ok, tell me everything. So then I went through it all again and he asked loads of questions. He was excited I got the sweets he asked for too and the whole office became addicted to them to the point they googled the sweets to import them from the US!
I can't get past the fact that he has spoken to the others about his girlfriend wanting to get engaged and picking out the ring but yet he has shown no intention of getting engaged so far. He has booked his US trip for Xmas to see his sister and I said today that if he went I wouldn't get to hear about his trip. I was trying to think of things to say about missing him that wouldn't be obivous. I said if anything big happened he would have to let us know.
When he first heard about it last Friday we were talking about it and we were saying we would miss him and he said it was nice to know we cared. I said how would he cope without having me around to do the jobs he didn't want to do and he said he would miss it. I said I would probably have to leave anyway as I need a more highpaying job if i'm ever going to leave. He sounded a bit sad and said who would do my work if I left. I said if I found a part time job I could do both but it was just time and then someone came in and we had to stop talking.
We've had lots of chats about our futures, kids and marriage and stuff so I know he wants to get married and have kids. Whenever we've talked about jobs and stuff he has always said I could do anything and I've always said he could be a future Partner where we work. It turns out that he asked about the possibility of becoming a partner in the future at his review and they said it would be something they would consider in the future.
I just can't get over this feeling that something is coming to an end. It feels strange and the thought of not seeing him for 5 months is really weird. I think he feels a bit strange too having to leave us and go and work somewhere else which is about a 500 mile a week journey for him. He keeps saying it's not definite but knowing how good he is at his job and how keen he is to learn and move on I would say its a fair bet. I said at least it would be good for your career and you'll get some good experience. At first I was a bit negative and said about the journey and spending hours stuck in traffic and when our mate left for the day he said he hadn't even thought about the travelling. I said I didn't want him to think I was putting a downer on it as if it was good for his career he should do it but I just wanted him to think it all through and prepare himself for what it actually means.
So last friday we were talking about him going. He had the first interview and it is almost definite he will go the 2nd interview is tomorrow. Our boss pointed out an article about young girls getting into our industry and my boss asked me if I wanted to train. My SC truned round and said the article said young girls. I told him he was a cheeky sod and could do his own typing from now on. I said as I wouldn't be around to help him out anymore he would have to learn to do his own typing. He said he didn't want to learn to do it and would just e-mail me and ask me to do it for him. I said if he left then I couldn't do work for him anymore.
I was winding him up about the girls asking for someone good looking to replace him and how we were all moving up a desk and that he would have to take his stuff with him when he got all defensive. He said it was his desk and we weren't allowed to use it. He also said he didn't want to leave us anymore as he would miss us and it wasn't definite he would go until Tuesday. Then he said he knew the people he would be working with and one of them was a girl, I felt a little bit jealous. He said he had negotiated leaving early so he would come into see us but then it would probably be just as we were leaving for the day.
As we were leaving me, SC and boss were all talking as we were walking out. I was asking SC about buying a car for his new job as he has been borrowing one for a while now. He said he was getting one soon. Then the conversation went onto the new job. SC said he thought I would be good for the job and should go and work with him. My boss said I would probably be good at the job. So SC said well the job would get done and my work could claim back more money and I would get a full time job working as his assistant. My boss said they would give it some thought and laughed as we went out the door. I called SC a cheeky sod for trying to sell me off and he laughed and said they were just trying to rent me out. Then we shouted have a good weekend as we went our separate ways. I walked to my car smiling and laughing to myself but when I got home it hit me that within 2 weeks he will be gone.
We are going out for lunch for Xmas with work and I was hoping he would be there and I would get to let my hair down a bit and he would see me out of work. He leaves for holiday on Xmas eve and we are going out the day before and I don't know if he will come to the xmas lunch even if he does stay.
What am I going to do? He often doesn't respond to my text's (I only send 1 every now and again not regular stalker texts) so if I text him he may not write back. Maybe he doesn't want his girlfriend to see the texts. If I email him that might be a bit weird. I can't exactly say please don't go as i'll miss you and I hope you leave your girlfriend and run off with me. I feel as though I'm ready for the next step but I don't want to leave him behind and I would miss my job now which is why I would like a 2nd job.
I would love to be able to write but i'm not disciplined enough to keep at it. I have started writing 2 stories and have loads of ideas but I get caught up doing washing and ironing and stuff and get too tired to write. Other than that I really don't know what job I want to do, especially as the economy is all over the place at the moment.
I said I would give myself to the end of the year and then new year new me. I'll be 30 and still living with my parents, with no relationship and nothing will change unless I make it change.
I changed on my trip, I realised that I was holding myself back and could be brave and do scary things. I just need to keep remembering that and carry it on. I think I changed in the summer too when I realised I wasn't afraid to live on my own anymore as I had been before.
Someone told me after my last birthday that over the next year I would realise what i'm missing out on and make changes and I laughed, I guess he was right all along!
I just wish I knew what I was supposed to do next or what will happen in the future. Anyone got a Crystal Ball to tell me!
Monday, 2 November 2009
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Work
Today was my last day at work before my trip to the US and I was hopeing to get the chance to talk to my colleague so it will last me through my trip. I was lucky enough to be in the office alone with him.
It was an interesting afternoon as it turned out. Firstly, he asked if I had packed my bikini for my trip. When I said no-one wanted to see that he said you never know. He said why wasn't I taking a bikini, I said I don't own a bikini, no-one would want to see me in one anyway. He said what about a swimsuit. I said I hadn't worn my swimsuit for 10 years but if I did America would soon clear out at the sight of me in it. He laughed and said he was sure it wouldn't.
Is it weird that he would be asking me about packing a bikini for my holiday?
I wanted to ask him about the getting engaged thing but couldn't just come out with: Oi don't marry your girlfriend because I fancy you something rotten. I decided to talk about kids instead and how after visiting his family he might come home wanting a kid. He asked me if I wanted kids and I said I did in the future but at the moment I was missing a key ingredient (i.e. him!) It's not the first time we have had a conversation about having kids. He asked me about what kind of men I like and what was stopping me from finding someone. I said I found it hard to meet guys and I am quite untrusting of people that I don't really know, I have to get to know people very well before I can be honest with them.
He said if he was single again he would use internet dating and then I thought oh my god he thinks i'm that sad I need internet dating. I said oh great thanks for that i'm not desparate and he said he didn't mean that and he knew people who had been in long term relationships with people met through online dating. It was funny he tripped over saying if he was single a little and had to correct himself.
Whilst handing him something our hands brushed each other and I felt how soft his hands were and how warm his skin was. It sent a flush down my spine and brought a smile to my face as he left the room.
I supply the office with sweets, it didn't start out that way they were just for me but the boys knick them. As we cleared them out before my trip I said it was nice to know I would be missed as they wouldn't have any sweets to eat whilst I was away. My mate said that wasn't the only reason I would be missed.
I have conversations with him that I would never talk to anyone else about, which I find slightly weird. I can be completely honest with him. He is always so complementary to me and makes me feel good about myself. He obviously cares about me a bit to try and help me and show some concern. When he asked me about wanting kids there was a change in his voice a bit like he was keen to know the answer.
I just really wish I knew how he felt. The way he looks at me. The way he talks to me and the way we tease each other makes me think that he likes me. I don't know if anything could ever happen though. He is in a relationship and that bothers me as I wouldn't want someone to do the same thing to me. Also it might be weird if I ask him seeing as we work together and if he said no or he did but wouldn't leave his girlfriend where would we go from there? I just don't know.
It was an interesting afternoon as it turned out. Firstly, he asked if I had packed my bikini for my trip. When I said no-one wanted to see that he said you never know. He said why wasn't I taking a bikini, I said I don't own a bikini, no-one would want to see me in one anyway. He said what about a swimsuit. I said I hadn't worn my swimsuit for 10 years but if I did America would soon clear out at the sight of me in it. He laughed and said he was sure it wouldn't.
Is it weird that he would be asking me about packing a bikini for my holiday?
I wanted to ask him about the getting engaged thing but couldn't just come out with: Oi don't marry your girlfriend because I fancy you something rotten. I decided to talk about kids instead and how after visiting his family he might come home wanting a kid. He asked me if I wanted kids and I said I did in the future but at the moment I was missing a key ingredient (i.e. him!) It's not the first time we have had a conversation about having kids. He asked me about what kind of men I like and what was stopping me from finding someone. I said I found it hard to meet guys and I am quite untrusting of people that I don't really know, I have to get to know people very well before I can be honest with them.
He said if he was single again he would use internet dating and then I thought oh my god he thinks i'm that sad I need internet dating. I said oh great thanks for that i'm not desparate and he said he didn't mean that and he knew people who had been in long term relationships with people met through online dating. It was funny he tripped over saying if he was single a little and had to correct himself.
Whilst handing him something our hands brushed each other and I felt how soft his hands were and how warm his skin was. It sent a flush down my spine and brought a smile to my face as he left the room.
I supply the office with sweets, it didn't start out that way they were just for me but the boys knick them. As we cleared them out before my trip I said it was nice to know I would be missed as they wouldn't have any sweets to eat whilst I was away. My mate said that wasn't the only reason I would be missed.
I have conversations with him that I would never talk to anyone else about, which I find slightly weird. I can be completely honest with him. He is always so complementary to me and makes me feel good about myself. He obviously cares about me a bit to try and help me and show some concern. When he asked me about wanting kids there was a change in his voice a bit like he was keen to know the answer.
I just really wish I knew how he felt. The way he looks at me. The way he talks to me and the way we tease each other makes me think that he likes me. I don't know if anything could ever happen though. He is in a relationship and that bothers me as I wouldn't want someone to do the same thing to me. Also it might be weird if I ask him seeing as we work together and if he said no or he did but wouldn't leave his girlfriend where would we go from there? I just don't know.
Monday, 12 October 2009
Love and Romance
Ok, so I spent yesterday doing the ironing whilst watching soppy romantic movies and it made me think. As women we get conditioned by the media and films to expect romance to be all grand gestures and chocolates and flowers and in real life if a bloke brings you chocolates and/ or flowers you assume he has done something wrong or wants sex or both.
Why in real life do we not find the men who will literally save our lives (Leo in Titanic, Keanu in Speed), meet a handsome man who will sweep us off our feet with romantic gestures and give up everything to be with us. It always happens in films.
You know when the guy proposes in the films, why does the girl never say No. People in real life say No when asked on occaision. The realisation that the relationship you have been in for the last million years was just a holding pattern for the future comes shattering down with the utterance of No whilst on one knee. Or worst when the bride or groom bolts from the alter after getting second thoughts. Although that does sometimes happen in the movies it's often because they realised they were in love with someone else and not just that they were living with that person so they could say they were in a relationship. There reaches a point in your life when it is better to say you are in a relationship than are still single!
Cue going into work today. Someone eluded to me a couple of weeks ago my crush had something on his mind and I have since been fearing the worst, he is marrying his girlfriend or they are having a baby and then it is all FINAL. Well today I had to sit there whilst the guys were teasing him about why he won't marry her. I know she wants to marry him as he told me she has picked an engagement ring out. I know he would get married cause we had a conversation about getting married and having kids ages ago and both of us agreed we would get married if we had kids and we both wanted kids one day.
Having said that what I don't understand is why they arn't getting married. I wonder if he has his doubts. Surely if they have been together for years, live together and everything else marriage would be the next step. He very rarely talks about his girlfriend in front of me, often only in passing but I know he talks about her to other people we work with as I find out bits and peices in passing. I have always been told that when you know you know and it all fits in place. Films have taught me that people fall in love, live together, get married and have kids. friends have told me that you fall in love, live together, get engaged even though you know you arn't going to marry him and then leave them and find someone you do love, live with and marry.
So today we are sitting next to each other and working. I'm using the computer and he is looking at me again. This time i'm not imagining it as I have new glasses on and he makes a comment about them. I turn and we are sitting right next to each other and are looking eye to eye and it all feels normal and comfortable. I very rarely make eye contact with anyone, especially not close up! I have to know people well to make eye contact.
As he's leaving he tells me he has to go on time as he has to return his dinner suit he hired for the weekend. I get a vision of him looking like James Bond standing in front of me. I say I bet he looked really smart and he says he doesn't like wearing suits. So I say did you look like the full James Bond and he laughs.
I can't help it but this guy drives me crazy. I have never met anyone that I feel so comfortable with. I work with other guys that I feel comfortable with but more like a brother and not in a way that I have random dreams about them.
To us who are not experienced in love it is all too confusing and I have come to the conclusion that films are to blame. I have always expected to fall in love at first sight with someone who will fulfill me, marry me and have kids with. We will of course live in a mansion and drive an expensive car as they do in the films and be very important and loved by everyone and not be one of those false and annoying couples that everyone hates. I now see this is not real life and I find it a little bit sad. Please someone tell me that I'm wrong and that the Leo's and Keanu's do exist in the real world at least for someone if not me!
Why in real life do we not find the men who will literally save our lives (Leo in Titanic, Keanu in Speed), meet a handsome man who will sweep us off our feet with romantic gestures and give up everything to be with us. It always happens in films.
You know when the guy proposes in the films, why does the girl never say No. People in real life say No when asked on occaision. The realisation that the relationship you have been in for the last million years was just a holding pattern for the future comes shattering down with the utterance of No whilst on one knee. Or worst when the bride or groom bolts from the alter after getting second thoughts. Although that does sometimes happen in the movies it's often because they realised they were in love with someone else and not just that they were living with that person so they could say they were in a relationship. There reaches a point in your life when it is better to say you are in a relationship than are still single!
Cue going into work today. Someone eluded to me a couple of weeks ago my crush had something on his mind and I have since been fearing the worst, he is marrying his girlfriend or they are having a baby and then it is all FINAL. Well today I had to sit there whilst the guys were teasing him about why he won't marry her. I know she wants to marry him as he told me she has picked an engagement ring out. I know he would get married cause we had a conversation about getting married and having kids ages ago and both of us agreed we would get married if we had kids and we both wanted kids one day.
Having said that what I don't understand is why they arn't getting married. I wonder if he has his doubts. Surely if they have been together for years, live together and everything else marriage would be the next step. He very rarely talks about his girlfriend in front of me, often only in passing but I know he talks about her to other people we work with as I find out bits and peices in passing. I have always been told that when you know you know and it all fits in place. Films have taught me that people fall in love, live together, get married and have kids. friends have told me that you fall in love, live together, get engaged even though you know you arn't going to marry him and then leave them and find someone you do love, live with and marry.
So today we are sitting next to each other and working. I'm using the computer and he is looking at me again. This time i'm not imagining it as I have new glasses on and he makes a comment about them. I turn and we are sitting right next to each other and are looking eye to eye and it all feels normal and comfortable. I very rarely make eye contact with anyone, especially not close up! I have to know people well to make eye contact.
As he's leaving he tells me he has to go on time as he has to return his dinner suit he hired for the weekend. I get a vision of him looking like James Bond standing in front of me. I say I bet he looked really smart and he says he doesn't like wearing suits. So I say did you look like the full James Bond and he laughs.
I can't help it but this guy drives me crazy. I have never met anyone that I feel so comfortable with. I work with other guys that I feel comfortable with but more like a brother and not in a way that I have random dreams about them.
To us who are not experienced in love it is all too confusing and I have come to the conclusion that films are to blame. I have always expected to fall in love at first sight with someone who will fulfill me, marry me and have kids with. We will of course live in a mansion and drive an expensive car as they do in the films and be very important and loved by everyone and not be one of those false and annoying couples that everyone hates. I now see this is not real life and I find it a little bit sad. Please someone tell me that I'm wrong and that the Leo's and Keanu's do exist in the real world at least for someone if not me!
Saturday, 10 October 2009
Hillarious
I just found a link to a hillarious blog which wasted an hour and a half of my boring saturday night with its book reviews and comments, check it out:
http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/
Especially funny link:
http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/2008/11/wwhm-presents-we-cant-make-this-shit-up.html
I couldn't help but wonder why someone would write a book like that or if anyone would actually try the recipes out. I think it must have been some sort of a joke made to look serious and thereby getting everyone who didn't realise it was a joke. It would seem that people have bought it as a joke.
The blog is hillarious though, I love the way the guy who writes it just rips the piss out of everything and says what your thinking. It is a worry that there are actually guys posting WLTM adds like the ones he has ripped into. I wonder if they will ever meet Miss Right?
Saturday Night in just got better by adding raspberry swirl cheesecake, hot cup of tea, big blanket and Keanu Reeves in Speed. Might follow it up with The Lake House. Weather has been so winterlike this week that feel the need for comfort.
http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/
Especially funny link:
http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/2008/11/wwhm-presents-we-cant-make-this-shit-up.html
I couldn't help but wonder why someone would write a book like that or if anyone would actually try the recipes out. I think it must have been some sort of a joke made to look serious and thereby getting everyone who didn't realise it was a joke. It would seem that people have bought it as a joke.
The blog is hillarious though, I love the way the guy who writes it just rips the piss out of everything and says what your thinking. It is a worry that there are actually guys posting WLTM adds like the ones he has ripped into. I wonder if they will ever meet Miss Right?
Saturday Night in just got better by adding raspberry swirl cheesecake, hot cup of tea, big blanket and Keanu Reeves in Speed. Might follow it up with The Lake House. Weather has been so winterlike this week that feel the need for comfort.
Friday, 9 October 2009
Birmingham and Nashville Bound
I'm looking forward to my trip to America now. I have been apprehensive about it but I think it will all turn out ok in the end. By this time next week I will have seen the Kings of Leon in Birmingham, Alabama and will be watching their homecoming gig in Nashville, Tennessee.
Not only will I get to see 2 cool concerts by my current favourite band but I will also get to meet some cool people from around the world who I have been talking to for a while now. The excitement will really be building this week for the trip.
I just hope I don't miss my workmate too much, I hope my Nashville friends will take my mind off him. He wasn't in today and I found myself looking at his empty seat a couple of times. I have to stop thinking about him. It doesn't help when he sits right enxt to me with those gorgeous blue eyes and that cute smile. I have always been a sucker for blue eyes and a cute smile! I'll stop now before I start day (night) dreaming about him again.
Not only will I get to see 2 cool concerts by my current favourite band but I will also get to meet some cool people from around the world who I have been talking to for a while now. The excitement will really be building this week for the trip.
I just hope I don't miss my workmate too much, I hope my Nashville friends will take my mind off him. He wasn't in today and I found myself looking at his empty seat a couple of times. I have to stop thinking about him. It doesn't help when he sits right enxt to me with those gorgeous blue eyes and that cute smile. I have always been a sucker for blue eyes and a cute smile! I'll stop now before I start day (night) dreaming about him again.
Sunday, 4 October 2009
A Good Weekend
Hope everyone had a good weekend.
We had our annual village quiz last night which was hotly contested as always. We came 2nd out of 13 tables and we were only 2 points off drawing for the win which is one answer! Not a bad evening all round, it's usually a good laugh.
Watched the Chelsea game today, at least we didn't loose. The guy at work in the previous post is a Liverpool supporter so I can wind him up tomorrow, he would do the same to me! Plus I get to see that cute smile and laugh!
We had our annual village quiz last night which was hotly contested as always. We came 2nd out of 13 tables and we were only 2 points off drawing for the win which is one answer! Not a bad evening all round, it's usually a good laugh.
Watched the Chelsea game today, at least we didn't loose. The guy at work in the previous post is a Liverpool supporter so I can wind him up tomorrow, he would do the same to me! Plus I get to see that cute smile and laugh!
Friday, 2 October 2009
Hello
Hello everyone!
Hope everyone had a good week.
Do you think it is unhealthy to spend a lot of time thinking about a male co-worker when they are in a relationship and you are single? I can't get this guy out of my head. We flirt at work and I always end up confused as to how I feel but when i'm not at work he is all I can think of. I keep replaying the day and what was said, how it was said and trying to see if there is anything in it. It drives me mad! I work in such a small office it would be weird to date a co-worker but what if he is THE one? How would I know?
I swear today was ridiculous. He was sitting next to me dictating some changes to a document and I could feel the heat from him and it was driving me nuts. We have a laugh and tease each other but I don't think I hide me feelings very well. I'm sure he must have an idea how I feel. Maybe he just likes the attention that he gets from me and he just likes me as a friend.
I've waited a long time to meet a guy who I feel I can be myself around and who I enjoy spending time with and when I finally meet him he is in a relationship. It makes me feel sick at the thought of pushing the situation and being rejected by him and loosing what we have now. But what if he isn't happy with his life and feels the same about me and is scared of doing anything about it. What if the way he looks at me isn't what I think it is and is all in my head. What if the next time he is doing a drawing and I get the urge to pinch his bum I can't stop myself! What if the next time he is sitting next to me and we are doing typing I allow myself to stroke his hand whilst going for the computer mouse.
I think I need help!
Hope everyone had a good week.
Do you think it is unhealthy to spend a lot of time thinking about a male co-worker when they are in a relationship and you are single? I can't get this guy out of my head. We flirt at work and I always end up confused as to how I feel but when i'm not at work he is all I can think of. I keep replaying the day and what was said, how it was said and trying to see if there is anything in it. It drives me mad! I work in such a small office it would be weird to date a co-worker but what if he is THE one? How would I know?
I swear today was ridiculous. He was sitting next to me dictating some changes to a document and I could feel the heat from him and it was driving me nuts. We have a laugh and tease each other but I don't think I hide me feelings very well. I'm sure he must have an idea how I feel. Maybe he just likes the attention that he gets from me and he just likes me as a friend.
I've waited a long time to meet a guy who I feel I can be myself around and who I enjoy spending time with and when I finally meet him he is in a relationship. It makes me feel sick at the thought of pushing the situation and being rejected by him and loosing what we have now. But what if he isn't happy with his life and feels the same about me and is scared of doing anything about it. What if the way he looks at me isn't what I think it is and is all in my head. What if the next time he is doing a drawing and I get the urge to pinch his bum I can't stop myself! What if the next time he is sitting next to me and we are doing typing I allow myself to stroke his hand whilst going for the computer mouse.
I think I need help!
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